To any of my followers that care to follow
I created a new fitness tumblr account. I never use this one anymore anyway. So anyone that cares to follow my journey, here it is;
See ya later!!
I’m seriously on the verge of fucking exploding right now.
“I’m not comfortable with how the story ends.
We were lovers and now we’re not even friends.
You were perfect and I guess I’m just a creep.
But you still hurt me.”
I gave up contact with one of my best friends today. It’s not even been one whole day and already all I want to do is talk to him. I feel pathetic. I know that I’m doing the right thing but it doesn’t feel right. I wish I could just fast forward through the next few months until this fucking ache goes away. I have never taken something like this so hard before.
What I have taken from all of this is that relationships are perfect for some people, but not for me. I’d give fucking ANYTHING to go back to being carefree and unattached to him. Just friends. What it was this time last year. The hurt of knowing you aren’t what they are to you is not worth it.
The last three weeks have been such a blur. Nothing in my life feels real anymore. Yesterday was Lao’s funeral. It was the biggest funeral I’ve ever been to and most definitely the saddest. Carly, Andy, Pete, Derek, myself and a few others stayed until the casket went into the ground. It was such a sinking, heavy feeling. Knowing that he’s actually gone and didn’t deserve this is the worst part.I never knew him well but everytime I saw him he was so full of life and such a fun person to party with. I remember at the house one night, there was never any smoking allowed in doors. Lao and I sparked up cigars in the living room and didn’t give a shit. It was so funny.
With all of that going on, it makes me feel like my feelings for Matt are incredibly selfish. But all week the only thing I’ve wanted to do was go to him at the end of every night and lay with him because he always made me feel so good. I’m still so unhappy that it’s over between us and heart broken that there’s nothing I can do to change his mind. I can’t seem to grasp whether or not it is a good or bad thing that we still talk every day.
I just have to remember that no matter how bad anything is, life goes on. It may not for some people but it will for me.
I’m in love, muthafuckaaaaas